Here I go Again !

I am nobody’s yes man, am a No Woman !

Forgotten, when to say I am ready ! Where and when to do the start and the end? If those who say they really are mine, then they sometime have to catch up with me through my trying moments. After all, even if they cared, it’s my journey, not theirs. They fail to pinpoint the righteousness within me, and then it becomes so convenient to handle me wrongly. People love you when you are easy and straight going, but true compassion will strike with anyone only when they hold your hand when you do wrong or maybe at times misunderstood. What's important to me is not others' opinions of me, but what matters to me is my opinion of myself .What to start life with? What kind of hopes in my pockets? I am so befuddled!

Like I have seen it all……….

The time -honoured sunrise and its blazing sunrays-

the sublime moonlight , followed by darkness-

the triumphant sea with its notable fury-

the ascending wind, bellowing gusty storms-

the fascinating humpy mountains and its ravages.

None of these follow any straight, well defined track or trail------

And like them, I don’t wish to walk on an undeviating line, only a conformist or a conventionalist human would do so-----

There is a kind of deep felt desire to do something wild, controversial and be a maverick kind of an individualist, doing something beyond established procedures. Sometimes, when it seems all of the pieces are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place. My journey as yet remains a solo dance, struggling to understand the principles of, emotional and physical detachment  as explained in hinduism, buddhism and probably what it finally entails, moving on like a traveling light to the next world.

I don’t believe in fleeing tedium and melancholy into an impossible world of dreams. I want a roller coaster ride, full of hurdles, of challenges and then I shall know that I have outstripped my adversaries as far as, my own adventure is watched by others and those moments I shall cherish to keep posted for my later years.

A SENSE OF MY POWER !

Having seen my own reflections, eager to understand the stranger within me , I  gave myself the right of self determination.  

Submitting to this Declaration of Persistence, I contemplated that only a super power  could now modulate my verdict .

My moods swung from the summer solstice to the autumnal equinox , but the mind was vibrating, by no means stuck in the tangible snow.

I may not control all the events that happen to me, but had surely decided not to be reduced by them. The big moments were going to come. I just could not help that. It's what I do aftermath that counts. That's when I was going to find out who really I was ?

“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of rational creatures. None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives.” ― Jane Austen, Persuasion

And here I was stuck in the turbulences of my own resolution , hearing the outcry of my charming spirit sans the will power.

Consequently I bullied myself into silence and unfalteringly stepped onto a brand new path where I would not allow me to be made a victim. 

The truth was that my Life was now going to be what I made of it !

The Crow that flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest !

The sooty wings of the Crow fluttered and overshadowed the meekness of the baby Cuckoos, who wailed and clung to the softened skin of their mother’s in their nest.

The crow may have been a second banana to the falcon, but to the cuckoos  , he was humongous and gargantuan.

One tiny drop of helpless tear had to fall from their mother’s eyes  , it had that infinite potential , that all the cherubs screeched out loud in one echoed and deafening sound and ----------------------------that was enough of an arresting signal to the Crow , that soar as he might formidably in the skies, he would never again dare fly over a Cuckoo’s Nest.

August, the highfalutin !

When the aura of extravagant disposables have dampened and the pseudo-delusive images have faded, then even to the baronial princess ( the August), the realities of life do not just blink, but stare at her like a monstrous beacon of Karma. I have come to realize, that it is upon us whether we can perceive the depth of the orbit we live in, see the writing on the wall , take on the challenges of life, or just let the winds of bête noire sweep us. At times, yes I am seized by fear, a macabre feeling of the worst to come, but certainly I don’t live mired in it……..                                                                                                    

 It had discerned on me that I had to steamroll by backbone, embolden my pericarp, if I had to be the Survivor.

The Law of Enforcement !

When I could not protect the essence of that word ,

How could I place the book of my love on your hands.

That which cannot be answered are questions to me,

Seemingly nothing but are mystically sublime.

My words are always tracing your watchful silhouette,

Radiant and lustrous are those thoughts of mine.

We don’t fathom what touches our heart and souls,

But do feel the droplets of the showering rain upon us.

And when the waterfalls reach the force of the rapids -

Then our diminutive life which is in a sleepy mellow,

Will rise with the tides of nature and enrich our lives.

दिली शब्दे बयां !

दर्दों  में  जकड़े हुए थे हम ,

और इसका इल्म भी नहीं हुआ ,

कि ज़िन्दगी परछाई बनकर सामने मुस्कुरा रही थी ,

खुशहाली का आगाज़ (शरुआत) हो चुका था |

अपनी आशिकी के लम्हों को भूल जाना ,

ऐसा कभी तसव्वुर (सोचा) भी नहीं किया था  ,

पर तक़दीर नें जैसे दामन को झिंझोड़ दिया,

 हमारे ज़ामीर को जगा दिया ,

और हम अपनी बेफिक्री की धुनकी में ,

अपनी नुसरत (जीत) की राह पर निकल पड़े ||

Relationships !

Often I wondered what Relationships stood for ?

The Dictionary meaning said “a connection, association, or involvement.”

I often wondered where my relationship currently stood with my near and dear ones ?

I built up my own wall to keep many out of my perceived comfort zone, but soon realized that I had done this like a watchdog ,waiting to see who dares and cares to break it down.

Probably I still believed in the doctrine of meliorism and then my guardian angel spoke out loud and said I had put in enough efforts and adjustments to reach out to my relationships.

Now they should comprehend that their one step can make a whole lot of difference !

But do they care?

 Rancor cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Provocative Challenges !

In the pursuit of happiness, I probably magnetized myself to the situations occuring persistingly around myself.

I realized that I should be more perseverant ,compassionate while dealing with others,yet have the tenacity of a bulldog to get back my health. Perceiving myself to have a dauntless backbone ,I will sustain my grit to face the settings ahead of me and keep up my disposition.

Conscientious Awakening !

Sometimes I wish I were able to win others over to my way of life and thought processes. My convictions were lofty and noble with a willingness to serve. At one time(2004) I had begun to realize that my long standing, coping mechanisms were failing me and that the denial of His illness in which I had operated for nearly 5 years of my life, were causing more damage than preventing it.
My efforts to handle the situation were many times met with derision. I knew I had to delve too deep to keep up my spirits and get my emotional rejuvenation. It would be a worthwhile endeavour. There were skirmishes and altercations but I held on to myself. My bond with my inner self cannot be deciphered in words but my loud conversation with the recesses of heart gave me a life’s lesson of humility and humour.

Now I had a hidden optimism like a blind man talking about the powers of colours. It was like saying that” Dying is a very hard way to know about life.”

Unhappy is the women who awakens from youth’s ignorance to find herself in the house of a man who showers her with gifts and riches and clothes her with generosity, yet is unable to touch her heart with the living flame of love nor satisfy her spirits with the divine wine that should flow from a man’s eyes into a woman’s heart.

Let all find this burgeoning romance and live in the essence of LOVE.

बीते हुए कल में सिर्फ यादें होती हैं , सपने नहीं ||

तुम्हारी  साँस से निकला हुआ धुआं हमारे दिल को छू रहा है ,

तड़प तुमसे शुरू हुई, तो हम रो रो कर किसे रुला रहे हैं ,

तुम्हारी पलको  से निकली हुई शबनम ,हमारी आखों में बस गयी ,

वो चाहत भरी आहें तुम्हारी,  सुनी हमने अपने गुलिस्तां में ,

और जिंदगी हमारी खुशनुमा हो गयी ||   

किस्मत की परछाईयाँ--------

हम जो जबाँ पर न ला पाये -
वो जमानें की दस्तकों नें पूरी कर दी,
दिलों को खुषताकील कर के महफ़िल जो हमारी सजा दी |
ऐतराज़ की कोई गुंजाईश हम क्या रखते
 बेइंतहा वफ़ा जो हम पर कुर्बान कर दी ||

Dedicated to Taapsi on 14th March 2014

A Letter Dedicated to My Daughter

14 March, 1985

When you were born,

Apart was I torn…………

Named you an ugly tadpole

But then you were my foal .

 I watched you grow everyday

I heard myself silently pray

Let my daughter’s inner beauty

Mesmerise the outer world

And the thought itself sent me swirl,
The refinement and the attraction grew

All my misconceptions I threw

Do you know how much you mean to me?
As you grow into what you will be.
 From just beneath my heart
 Stupefied, I knew your own life will now start.

 Sometimes to you I seem harsh and so unfair,
but one day you will see, I taught you well because I care
With a chuckle and a smile, and your years so quickly to fly, 

 I had a bag full of tears to cry.
As you begin your growth to womanhood, wherever  you go
You'll always be my source of admiration, a fact you must know
 Within you feel no fear, standing by your convictions

staying upright and honest , will find you no restrictions

 Sitting  before you are your dreams and  ambitions
Take the world by its tail, and fulfill your mission
On your 29^th Birthday my beautiful dove,
do------ accept your Mother's ever heartfelt Love !

Taapsi's Odyssey ( from birth, March 1985 to marriage, Dec.2013)

Conscientious Awakening

Sometimes I wish I were able to win others over to my way of life and thought processes. My convictions were lofty and noble with a willingness to serve. At one time(2004) I had begun to realize that my long standing, coping mechanisms were failing me and that the denial of His illness in which I had operated for nearly 5 years of my life, were causing more damage than preventing it.

My efforts to handle the situation were many times met with derision. I knew I had to delve too deep to keep up my spirits and get my emotional rejuvenation. It would be a worthwhile endeavour. There were skirmishes and altercations but I held on to myself. My bond with my inner self cannot be deciphered in words but my loud conversation with the recesses of heart gave me a life’s lesson of humility and humour.

Now I had a hidden optimism like a blind man talking about the powers of colours. It was like saying that” Dying is a very hard way to know about life.”

Unhappy is the women who awakens from youth’s ignorance to find herself in the house of a man who showers her with gifts and riches and clothes her with generosity, yet is unable to touch her heart with the living flame of love nor satisfy her spirits with the divine wine that should flow from a man’s eyes into a woman’s heart.

Let all find this burgeoning romance and live in the essence of LOVE.

The Priceless Mastercard

A ludicrous comment on life lead by me, a pulsating thought to make an animated chip which would define with all its might ,the secrets of my oceanic depths.
A flutter of past images, some fuzzed others with much clarity. I vehemently tried to disregard these and said to myself "I need a better life for myself ,scruples be damned."
Then came the catalytic figure with the rustic yet suave splendour who softly whispered in my ears that it was time for me to up the fun quotient in my life. With online communications I was conceiving an image rightly with the flow of personal advices accelerated by so many factors. It was now imperative to hold on to this figure and unbolt my feelings.
The languorousness in me had vanished and the tasks lined up ahead seemed no longer arduous.My emotional standards were on a high, I had a found new dimensions and the answers were spilling within my heart with human inquisitiveness. My life had got its renaissance--------
I was now engrossed with a  'Do it Yourself ' job, like creating a great wavelength music based on life as it portrays itself. I felt that just writing prolific sentences was not enough. I searched the computer to find a personalised template which could define me but soon realised that I cannot be myself on that electric, techno phonic device.
Then writing began again with microscopic, introspective details but I earnestly desired not to have a vociferous or a tumultuous description about myself.
SO finally the cartoon in me decided that towards the end I am myself and that nobody else deserved to sing my life's musical choir.

गुस्तकदिली नज़दीकियां

मोहलत उन्होनें दी तो हम उनके करीब आये ,

वक़्त थम सा गया था, हम इश्क़ के सब लुत्फ़ उठा पाये ,

वो क्या चीज़ थी जो उन्होनें हमसे चुरा ली ,             

दिल में हीरे जड़ा कर भी, खोकर उन्हें जैसे हमने गुन्हा कर दी ||