Instant intimacy it was ! We wound up
kissing on the bed of the meditation cum healing centre on the afternoon of my Birthday. That day after meeting him, I realized that I was
having a full-blown affair with a married man and could no longer espy myself.
I had felt bereft of life and suddenly, I was a
wanted woman, desired, and filled with passion and vitality. Consumed with
thoughts of him, when we weren’t together I was either lost in memories,
reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to
figure out the next time we could see each other.
In a few months, lying next to him in the
post-orgasmic glow of the most incredible, tender, sensual experience we’d ever
had together, I felt a plenitude.
Up until that point, I had well compromised
with the way things were. I’d identified that the reason I was magnetically
drawn to this man, was that I myself was emotionally longing for my right man
who matched my conceptualization infinitely. So, having a high browed man seemed
perfect for me—it was passionate and exciting, and there was built-in distance,
so I didn’t feel suffocated, trapped, and in danger of actual intimacy. I
thought I’d hang in this extramarital limbo until it got too painful, and then
I could just opt out.
I’d never have to lose days for I was penning
my intoxicating thoughts of him in the deepest corner of myself where no
one could ever peep into. My life had returned my distinctiveness.
He was usually in touch every day, many times a
day,
I was constantly admonishing myself that Ogre
and Fiona were not authentic characters in Shrek (2001), the animated movie.
But then, he had already made me his FIONA !
Thereupon, today on World Marriage Day, his
wife sent him a note on the bonds of trusts that a couple should pursue.
When he forwarded me that content, I felt the
hammering of a squall, and I didn’t know what had happened to me. What I did knew
was that this was it—I’d hit rock bottom. Whatever it took, I had to
reconstruct myself and put my wrapped up in myself, deductions away. And on this
Spring day something else shifted in me. In my excruciating agony, of a
conscious mind and a broken ankle, I knew with complete certainty that my
destructive pattern of having relationships with unavailable men was finally
broken. If I had to complete this karmic journey, I could never, ever, do this
again.
